current location: Work
current mood: discontent
current song: "Everyday Is Exactly The Same" - Nine Inch Nails
I wrote a post about my Demon and the ghosts it lives with. Strangely more than one person has said that I God in my life.
Instead of answering directly I have decided to put this group of thoughts under their own post, after all...this is a big topic that I have been pouring over for a while.
A benevolent being that loves me like a parent. The all powerful spirit that would give my soul eternal life, and a paradise to live in. All I have to do is believe and worship it, and the evil in the world will be set under my feet.
It sounds simple and beautiful when I put it that way, doesn't it? But the Devil is in the details. I spent 10 years looking for this beautiful God. I have fasted, prayed, cried, screamed, and waited...with no answers. I fell in love once, many years ago. I thought, "There must be a God that loves me because SHE exists and SHE is with me." But it turns out I was wrong, she wasn't all that hot...I was just stupid.
Before I fell in love, I ran away from home. I told myself, "If my father says a certain phrase, there must be a God and I would run away from home because God gave me a sign (through my father)." Well, he said it...and I ran away. Strange, I picked a phrase that he said every time he would get upset. And even though, in that moment, I had a deep resolved feeling that I equated to the hand of God, I am unsure if that was accurate. I have not had a feel this deep that would equate to a God, since. That was more than 2 and a half decades.
And in the the 3 plus decades of my life I have been abandoned, ignored, neglected, beaten, misused, and cast aside. I have spent years homeless. And through all of this, I was looking for a God that loved me. It is kinda strange to even heard myself say it...While I lived the worst suffering and torture of my life, I was looking for a God that loved me. Maybe I should ask myself this question, "If there was a God that loved me, would he let me go through my life of pain and suffering?"
A part of me wants to believe...Truly. "A God that will give justice to the weak and persecuted, salvation to condemned, and damnation to the wicked..." that really sounds good. But I have lived my life. Poorly at times, well at others...and one of the few things I would choose to say about the subject of God would be, "If I have to live this painful, wretched life in order to prove to a God that my soul should be 'saved,' I would rather have never existed."
In all reality, I choose to believe that there is no God...but if there is a God, we have NO FUZZY IDEA what this God is actually like. And if there is a God, I think I might hate him/her.
And after all of that being said...I still want to be an Angel. How sick is that?
Wait a minute....
(This is an addition to this post, later the same day.)
The entire reason that I am doing these posts is to try to empty my mind on to a neutral medium, where I can later review my thoughts and ideas to look for indicators of where I should adjust my thinking and evaluate the status of my mind. [Whew, that was a lot to say.]
All of that being said, I don't want to be dismissive of the idea of God. After all, I really don't know. Maybe I committed a sin that would not allow me to be saved? Maybe I am praying in the wrong language? Maybe I am using the wrong name in my prayers? I don't know...No, really...I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!!! Which is one of the more aggravating points in this whole thing. I have friends that say they KNOW God exists. They also say they talk to him/her/it. I don't know what they are feeling or thinking. When I ask them to explain it, they tell me about feelings and isolated incidents. Which means, they could be easily persuaded...and that is fine.
I mean, seriously, if I am going to follow a religion, I would want to do the best I could, because I would be dealing with the most POWERFUL BEING IN THE UNIVERSE! And if I am going to give that much attention to something/someone, I WANNA BE SURE. Seriously, I am someone who has be to multiple orgies, and loved them. So understand me when I say this, to devote myself to an established religion is to deny myself the pleasure and joy of the orgy. And if there was no God, that would be a HUGE waste of time...not to mention the lack of pleasure and joy that I would have to endure in my life, seeing others do a thing that I know would be pleasurable and deny it for myself. It is a huge thing, which is why I write about it here. I want to say "GAWD YES!" and I want to say, "God...NO!!!" I want to see more.
According to Christianity, "Doubting Thomas" went to heaven too...so, let me doubt.
Now, that we have of this on the table, there are still all kinds of arguments against the existence of God...And I mean a BOAT LOAD! But I would need to come to grips with these points before a look more seriously at "Is God for me?"
There also brings up another point...how should I view people that believe in God? Of course I respect them...no question.
Come to think of it....That needs to be a topic all by itself.
I wish you the peace I do not have,