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cifier77 [userpic]

Of Gods, Angels and Men...

August 13th, 2008 (11:14 am)
discontent
Tags:

current location: Work
current mood: discontent
current song: "Everyday Is Exactly The Same" - Nine Inch Nails

I wrote a post about my Demon and the ghosts it lives with. Strangely more than one person has said that I God in my life.

Instead of answering directly I have decided to put this group of thoughts under their own post, after all...this is a big topic that I have been pouring over for a while.


God:

A benevolent being that loves me like a parent. The all powerful spirit that would give my soul eternal life, and a paradise to live in. All I have to do is believe and worship it, and the evil in the world will be set under my feet.

It sounds simple and beautiful when I put it that way, doesn't it? But the Devil is in the details. I spent 10 years looking for this beautiful God. I have fasted, prayed, cried, screamed, and waited...with no answers. I fell in love once, many years ago. I thought, "There must be a God that loves me because SHE exists and SHE is with me." But it turns out I was wrong, she wasn't all that hot...I was just stupid.

Before I fell in love, I ran away from home. I told myself, "If my father says a certain phrase, there must be a God and I would run away from home because God gave me a sign (through my father)." Well, he said it...and I ran away. Strange, I picked a phrase that he said every time he would get upset. And even though, in that moment, I had a deep resolved feeling that I equated to the hand of God, I am unsure if that was accurate. I have not had a feel this deep that would equate to a God, since. That was more than 2 and a half decades.

And in the the 3 plus decades of my life I have been abandoned, ignored, neglected, beaten, misused, and cast aside. I have spent years homeless. And through all of this, I was looking for a God that loved me. It is kinda strange to even heard myself say it...While I lived the worst suffering and torture of my life, I was looking for a God that loved me. Maybe I should ask myself this question, "If there was a God that loved me, would he let me go through my life of pain and suffering?"

A part of me wants to believe...Truly. "A God that will give justice to the weak and persecuted, salvation to condemned, and damnation to the wicked..." that really sounds good. But I have lived my life. Poorly at times, well at others...and one of the few things I would choose to say about the subject of God would be, "If I have to live this painful, wretched life in order to prove to a God that my soul should be 'saved,' I would rather have never existed."

In all reality, I choose to believe that there is no God...but if there is a God, we have NO FUZZY IDEA what this God is actually like. And if there is a God, I think I might hate him/her.


And after all of that being said...I still want to be an Angel. How sick is that?

Wait a minute....
(This is an addition to this post, later the same day.)

The entire reason that I am doing these posts is to try to empty my mind on to a neutral medium, where I can later review my thoughts and ideas to look for indicators of where I should adjust my thinking and evaluate the status of my mind. [Whew, that was a lot to say.]

All of that being said, I don't want to be dismissive of the idea of God. After all, I really don't know. Maybe I committed a sin that would not allow me to be saved? Maybe I am praying in the wrong language? Maybe I am using the wrong name in my prayers? I don't know...No, really...I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!!! Which is one of the more aggravating points in this whole thing. I have friends that say they KNOW God exists. They also say they talk to him/her/it. I don't know what they are feeling or thinking. When I ask them to explain it, they tell me about feelings and isolated incidents. Which means, they could be easily persuaded...and that is fine.

I mean, seriously, if I am going to follow a religion, I would want to do the best I could, because I would be dealing with the most POWERFUL BEING IN THE UNIVERSE! And if I am going to give that much attention to something/someone, I WANNA BE SURE. Seriously, I am someone who has be to multiple orgies, and loved them. So understand me when I say this, to devote myself to an established religion is to deny myself the pleasure and joy of the orgy. And if there was no God, that would be a HUGE waste of time...not to mention the lack of pleasure and joy that I would have to endure in my life, seeing others do a thing that I know would be pleasurable and deny it for myself. It is a huge thing, which is why I write about it here. I want to say "GAWD YES!" and I want to say, "God...NO!!!" I want to see more.

According to Christianity, "Doubting Thomas" went to heaven too...so, let me doubt.

Now, that we have of this on the table, there are still all kinds of arguments against the existence of God...And I mean a BOAT LOAD! But I would need to come to grips with these points before a look more seriously at "Is God for me?"

There also brings up another point...how should I view people that believe in God? Of course I respect them...no question.

Come to think of it....That needs to be a topic all by itself.


I wish you the peace I do not have,

Lord Louis

cifier77 [userpic]

Of Demons and Ghosts

August 4th, 2008 (03:56 am)
angry

current mood: angry

I am still not done.

Dear Goddess...I am still not done.

Anne:

"Time heals all wounds." Why in the world would people spread such Bullshit lies. Time makes deep wounds worst. The Demon is still waking. Moment by moment, the more the Demon wakes, the more hurt it feels...the more it feels the emptiness that Anne left. There is some anger there, but that is not the bulk of what I feel. Hurt, loss, fear and confusion...but it is all blended. I still can't breathe. Something is missing. I don't move the same. Part of me wants to destroy everything for losing her and part of me wants to steal her, like a priceless jewel, and hold her...kiss her so softly...

I still hold her. I still feel the echo of her in every woman I touch. So, now I want to get lost in every woman. Well, ok...Just few.

I am to tired to finish.

Lord Cifier

cifier77 [userpic]

Because anger can keep you warm...

July 28th, 2008 (03:32 am)
angry

current location: Apartment
current mood: Aggressive
current song: "Every day is exactly the same" - NIN

It is almost time...I can feel it.
Almost time for the shedding
To lay aside my old skin
And bring form vibrant new colors.

This is not poetry, but pros.
I am coming to the realization that...I need...I want...I yearn...for more than what I have.

Everything in my life, that I have right now, I have because I was angry enough to get it. And my rage has been building...my compassion wains...my focus is shifting. The Demon is waking.

Girls/Love Life:

I have been reflecting for a long time now. I have been passive...waiting. I have been respectful, for YEARS. And alone, I remain. How many have there been? Madonna, Fred, The Nameless in Orlando, The Elf, Ms. Hubbard, Anne, Vicky and let us not forget Mercedes. Peaceful, I will be no more. I will use the rules and bend the structure to the breaking point to get what I want, from this point forward. But if I am to do this, I must clean my claws first. So, I will soon begin.

Work:

Where once I was peaceful and joyous, now I am bitter. This tells me that I am on the verge of either leaving or getting fired. This being the case, I am trying to stay long enough to finish at De Anza and gt my ass into M.I.T. Which will cause me more problems...but fuck it!!

Home:

I have not been happy with Archie's Towne for the longest time now. My roommate and I were supposed to move more than once, but that isn't going to happen. And now my patience has become slimmer. I spend very little time at the apartment. I don't even want to call that place home. My roommate is a good person, I do like him...a good friend, he has always been. My problem is not him, it is me. I have done what I need to do to ensure my happiness. So, I will step up my game. Which means I have a decision to make, which also ties into the Girls/Love Life topic. Do I continue with this the way they have been for the last three years, finish my degree(s) and go to M.I.T. (or wherever)... OR ...do I take matters into my own hands, move out, to a place where I can have a love life, have a quiet place to do homework and risk being homeless if things don't work out. Shitty call, actually. In this place, my anger can unbalance everything...but fuck it!!! I still have to choose and not choosing is still choosing.

I will deal with school another day...

cifier77 [userpic]

Waking moments...

April 14th, 2008 (05:04 am)
uncomfortable
Tags:

current location: On the damn couch
current mood: sleepless

I am still awake...5:04am.

If I sit on another couch in my life, it will be too soon. I can't wait to get my ass in a bed for a LONG period of time.

Remind me, when I get the new bed, to spend one weekend laying in it. Remind me to have food delivered.

I have to be at work in 5 hours and I will have no sleep...AGAIN!!! And it has been hot lately.


For fuck's sake...I can't win for loosin'.

Will someone just fucking shoot me. It is going on seven months of this shit.



Lord Cifier

cifier77 [userpic]

Here, in the night, without you.

April 13th, 2008 (02:28 am)
morose
Tags:

current location: The shit place I live
current mood: Confused
current song: Just like a pill - Pink

Ok

I am just gonna lay this shit out. I am not going to put a name to this because I am going to blend my feelings for many people together in this post.



The something is dieing in me and I don't know what it is...

When I was with you
I was so bright

Maybe for first real time in my life. Maybe it just seemed like it, but it was real to me regardless.
I am staring at my computers, my music, my poetry, school, work and all the other bullshit that I spend my time on. Right now, this moment, I miss you, Yesterday, I resented you. The day before that, fuck...I don't know.

I keep waiting for my life to get on track. I mean, I have been busting my balls to get my shit together tight. Get good grades. Make people at work like me. Do my job. Play my role. Keep my mouth shut.

Since you have been gone, I feel a hole. It was the place where the best of me resided. All poetry aside, I fuckin' feel it. I want to fill it, but nothing fits. I want to kill it, but it is just a hole. And the voices keep coming from this place...this hole...this empty place.

The part that is fucking me up is that the voice that comes from this hole colors everything I do. I still think about you, but I can't call you 'cause I can't bare to hear your voice. I have a driving want to be close to you again and if I was close to you, I would be guarded. But I don't want to be fucking guarded with you. I fell in love with you because I didn't have to be guarded. I am tired of being guarded...staying separated from everyone else. I am tired of living my life alone. But that is exactly what I am doing. Dreaming of you, of us.

But your ghost is haunting me. It whispers into my dreams and echos thoughts in my mind when I am awake.

When we were together I knew exactly where I stood. I knew who I was. It was all so clear. I wasn't clear on who I was because I was with you. I was clear because of the peace I felt, the joyfulness that my life was being built on. I never believed my life was worth living. Never. But when we found each other, I thought, "Maybe this is the beautiful life everyone keeps talkin' about." And I fed this feeling, nurtured it. I hoped.

I trusted you with the best of me...and then you left. No explanation... You just left. So how can I trust you with anything?

But I still want you. I saw a picture of you with someone else...and I saw the expression on your face. How can you be so joyful while I an suffering. Was I so easy to forget?

Did I abuse you? Lie? Beat you? Disrespect you? Cheat on you?

Where are the arms that held me? Where is the hand that caressed my face? Where is the wicked smile when that came with evey indecent thought? Where is the smooth skin that left me with no thoughts of another?

Was it so long ago? It feels like it. It feels like it was so long ago, I can barely remember. But it was just a moment ago, and time just wont pass.

Someone actually told me, "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." I almost went to jail, because I was on the verge choking the life out of them. But that wouldn't have been enough. I wanted to beat them. I wanted to scream in the language my pain speaks. I wanted remove their organs with fucking knife and then reflect their fake fucking smile back at them. It was a split second, but your ghost made it last so long... BUT THAT IS NOT WHO I AM!!!!!!!! But the thought was still there...a sensation...a temptation...singing sweet pleasure to a mind that is NOT mine.

But this moment, I miss you. I want you. I need to touch you. I need your touch. It is 4:07am and I have been wallowing in this needful feeling for hours now. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight. Just this needful ghost that stirs a rageful demon that lives in a peaceful man that only wants you. Is this sane? Am I breaking? Am I going nuts? This hole is still talking to me, and nothing will fill it. It festers and bleeds, but it will not close. And it keeps talking to the demon. And the demon wont let me sleep.



Lord Cifier

cifier77 [userpic]

Playing God and watching people die

March 7th, 2008 (10:43 pm)
lonely
Tags: , ,

current location: Home
current mood: lonely
current song: Wait until tonight - Teddy Pendergrass

So,

Lately, I have been just throwing attitude around. Mostly, good attitude...but sometimes it was not well recieved.


Bruce

My friend Bruce and his girlfriend met me for lunch a few weeks ago. It started like a any pleasant lunch with friends should. We talked about school, classes, philosophy, and of course, politics. Linda, Bruce's girlfriend began talking about a book that dealt with the subject of women peacemakers in Africa, I think. And that is when the black man lost his god damn mind. I offered what I believed was a deep thoughtful decenting opinion. Evidently, that is not what came across. Linda began crying at some point. Now, I want to make this very clear. I never said anything negative about Linda, Bruce, or anyone else. I respect Linda, very much. I hate the idea of people crying, let alone someone I respect. Moreover, it was during a conversation I was engaged in. I still believe I was right in my thoughts over the conversation, but I was not smart enough to NOT HAVE THE CONVERSATION! Or at the very least, drop my ego long enough to be more sensative to Linda and her strong feelings on the subject. That being said, I understand that I did not hurt Linda. I was sharing an opinion. Linda's strong feelings on the subject is what made the situation bad. But in all reality, for once, I would have rather just shut the fuck up and not said anything. Damn I feel bad about her crying.

Work

Work is getting exciting. I am in this serious project and I am beginning to push the boundaries of what I know. I love it when this happens, but I am still going to MIT, or University.

Vicky

Minor exchange of words over her blog. She wrote about me a long time ago and I chimed in late. She had a venomous reply. Strange, lately I have been wanting see her to catch up. Even after the "fuck people up" conversation, I still like her. Who knows, one day the ground may become even again.



I am layin' down right here.


Lord Cifier

cifier77 [userpic]

Just keeping up with me...

November 21st, 2007 (01:24 am)
cranky
Tags: , ,

current location: Home
current mood: cranky
current song: Stricken - Disturbed

Now that I am back here,

Live is still good, and getting better by the day. More over, I am finding my aggression, and withdrawing from social life. My philosophy instructor is the only person I see with any regularity. I am not complaining, but I do miss the energy of the world. I love the idea of becoming small. So few people really know me now, I could probably fit them all into my studio apartment. I think I like that, seeing that half of these people try to get me to do stuff I don't want to do.

Vicky

Vicky and I are not together any longer. She is on to bigger and better people. She is attending the local state university, and doing well...from what I can tell. We did have a conversation about me changing my major to psychology. Her response was "you will fuck people up." I did not take this very well. During the remainder of that conversation, it became clear to me that she had made large leaps to conclusions that she did not understand, which is rare because she is usually very patient about trying to understand things. But I began to think, "Very very few people would go into a field like psychology to fuck people up, and she knows this. Why in the world would my friend say this about me?" Yes, she may have had a bad situation with someone in that field. So I tried to make my position clear, but the subject became more and more...obscured. She began to judge me over things that I felt like after some of my sessions, and some of the stories I would tell her. She has not been through a session like this with me because I would not want to be in the situation of being brutal someone that I cared for. She has not spoken to any of the people that I have had sessions with, from what I can tell. So, she can't know what is on the other side of a hard session. When I tried to point this out she just continued. Sadly, our conversation ended in such a way where I did not want to discuss anything with her. I am sure I will see her again before I leave for University or MIT. I am unsure how to handle it. I leaning toward the idea of not sharing anything personal with her. I mean, seriously, she is jumping to conclusions and attempting to impose her perspective on me, in a situation that has nothing to do with her, without seeing the complete picture. Too bad, I really liked her.

Ann

I have not spoken to Ann, nor do I really want to. I expect to never see her or Nancy again. But, I have been playing with this idea. I have acquired a few pictures of Ann that are very cute and I have placed them on my computer at work. It is strange, those pictures remind of times when I was with her and happy. So, when I look at them, I get some of the joy from our relationship back. Normally, I am very sad, aggressive, and angry over a given day. I am conscientiously putting her pictures around me to give myself that "Love" feeling. Strangely, I feel better about almost everything when I am at work. I treat those pictures like they were pictures of my girlfriend, whom I love very much. It doesn't sound right, I know, but I feel better, and I know there is no relationship there. They are just pictures, and she is LONG gone. But I still have the feeling, and I did/do enjoy the feeling. It just sounds odd to me. Just thought I would put that here.


Home

I am definitely moving. Jason is looking at moving with me. We will probably be looking for a one bedroom place with a dishwasher. That would free up move of my check to deal with real-world issues that I have been putting on the back burner while I have been living in the studio. It will be nice to free up $500+ dollars per month. I could pay for school again. LOL.


Alone

After looking at Ann, Vicky, and other people that I talk to on campus, I am getting the sinking feeling that I will be alone for a very long time. Thanks to Alfonso, my tolerance for people has grown shorter and shorter, which is good. I have been weeding out asshole after asshole from my life. I love having a sphincter-free zone around me...much less drama. But, with less drama comes less interaction. That I am not to happy with, so...I am crafting a solution around an on-line dating site. Neutral environments, safe interactions, and more control over the impact another person would have on my life. If I want to answer email, I will. If I don't want to answer...fuck'em! I don't expect to meet my true-love anyways.

I am going to hang it up right here.

Lord Cifier

cifier77 [userpic]

Multiple Fronts and engaging the conflict with clarity

August 3rd, 2007 (12:54 pm)
indifferent
Tags: ,

current location: Work
current mood: detached
current song: Limp Biskit - Take a Look Around

I am at work at the moment. I am waiting for a couple of this to finish processing, so I have a little time.

I deal with a very strong bureaucracy everyday. Unfortunately, the bureaucracy I deal with makes rules that are not viable for the environment I work in. Now, I believe I am a little idealistic. I have a belief about bureaucracies. I believe that bureaucracies become stronger when individuals within the bureaucracy "push back" when the need is great enough. Case in point:

My bureaucracy handed down a new set of rules for installing components. Some of these rules also
deal with the who has the ability to install these components and where I can get these components from.
There is a component testing, and validation portion to these rules as well. I read a portion of the first
draft of these rules and had a few questions. As I went in depth with my questions, my co-workers began to
laugh. So I was like, "Am I the only one that thinks this?" And they said, "No, but you are the one
that cares. And you think that this is supposed to make sense. It doesn't and you can't change that."

I am still pissed...not uncomfortable...not frustrated...P I S S E D!!! And oh dear goddess, don't get me started about the harrassment policies and how completely stupid they are. At least in my environment, they are stupid. I understand the need for them, but they are stupid. But these harrassment policies are just about as useful as the component policies. NOT AT ALL... This is one of the bureaucracies I live with.


Dear Ol' Demonic Dad and the crap that comes out of the woodwork...

Ok, so my biological father sent me an email stating "something" that sounded like he was sorry about being a bad parent. He was not very clear, but I believe he was as sincere as he could be. So...like a dumbass...I actually take this moment to engage my father in a deep serious conversation. Now, you know me...I am all about depth. As I brought up some of the issues that caused me discomfort, I felt somewhat strange to take responsibility for the things I originally thought were his fault. For example, I told my father that is was my fault that my childhood was so rough because I chose to stay with him. Knowing he was violent, manipulative, and deceptive, I chose to continue to believe him and things he said would happen to me if I ran away from home. And I am not saying this as some form of reverse-psychology...I actually believed that. I was too lazy to get off my butt and solve my own problem. I believed that someone else should take care of me, and that someone else always would. Now that I believe differently, my life is much better. But I digress... After showing a large amount of detachment, I received a response from him that was, I believe, manipulative, and deceptive. Funny how terms keep showing up...manipulative, and deceptive. Thinking that I might actually get something meaning out of this, I gave him a response about how I see a certain level of deception in his emails to me. I would be happy if he stopped giving me crap about 'I am your Father and you are still my SON!' Obviously, I am his son, but that means what, exactly? I never have come to an answer on that one.

I am actually waiting to hear back from him, but I am not going to hold my breath. But if I do hear back from the "Ol' Man," I will remain detached and clear. It seems to be a go way to be.

I guess it is time to let sleeping demons lie.

Lord Louis

cifier77 [userpic]

Disrupted flow...

March 5th, 2007 (12:15 pm)
confused
Tags: ,

current location: Work
current mood: confused
current song: Crush - Dave Matthews Band

Ok,

Anne has decided to crawl out of the woodwork. I think she is wanting me to tell her that it is ok that she left me. I am also leaning to the idea that she wants me to contact her to continue our relationship in some way. Fortunately, I am more aware of me. I know I could not ever feel the same way about her. I would always wonder, even in the happiest moments, when is she going to leave. Vicky says that she liked her. I don't believe Vicky is wrong to like her, I did. I am confused at how Anne can think she can walk in and out of my life like that, hurt me, with no reason and then she expect me not to bring it up. I asked her about it once, but I never got anything out of it, nothing that looked like truth, anyways. I don't mean, "I think she is lying to me." I mean, "I don't think she understands that 90% of the things she mentioned had nothing to do with me." At the same time she and I have a difference of opinion on the last 10% as well. I am not gonna go into the whole thing... I have already covered that. I am just confused.

On a brighter note, Vicky flat kicked my ass at chess. She was strategic, cold, focused, and relentless. She did it so well, I resorted to calling her a BITCH in public. I am so proud of her. "That bitch did good." Not bad for a first year student. But she is still a Bitch. (I am just saying that cause I am all butt-hurt. But I am soooooooooo happy for her.)


So, I am conflicted...what else is new?



Lord Louis

cifier77 [userpic]

Strange Days...Of joy for a change...

January 17th, 2007 (09:51 am)
hungry

current location: Work
current mood: hungry

Happy NEW YEAR!!!

I just got back from Tahoe on Monday night. A good time was had by all and I am amazed at how much I like the people I work with. I find myself daring willfully to have deeper emotional friendships with them. Me...the guy that had a shirt with the words "Rage Cage" on the front given to me because the words aptly described my general disposition. Me...the forever tired, angry fallen angel with clipped wings, who still believes that the world should be set on fire until nothing living exists. But I think me getting soft of these guys is a greater symptom of a deeper cancer.

I think I am seeing myself as having a life in the world around me that is comfortable, honest and fun. Three verbs I would not have expected for the world I know.


Poker

I am finally seeing the evidence of level of my skill at poker. And I have been testing this over the last 72 hours, three casinos, in two different states. Here are the results.

I went to Tahoe for the weekend, you know this. What you probably don't know is that I played Texas Hold'em in front of other living people for the first time this weekend. From the first Casino, Boomtown, I played the 3-6 game and walked away with an extra $10. The second Casino, The Silver Legacy (I think), I walked away with an extra $30+. Online, I walked away with an extra $50+. On my way home to the apartment, I stopped into the local card house. This is a story all by itself.

I hit the door, nervous as all hell. I have always been intimidated by this place. I signed up for a 2-4 game, and waited. While I was waiting I met a friendly fellow poker-player. He was getting into a bigger game, and he was also waiting. As we were waiting, I told him I was just back from Reno/Tahoe and that I had won a little bit of money on my first game in front of other people. He began to take a special interest in me. I told him I was afraid of the 3-6 game so I was going to play the 2-4 game. He says, "Look, the 2-4 game is a terrible game. Play the 3-6 game. I will go in with you. You chip in $20, and I will chip in $20. Play for as long as you like and if you win, I get half your winnings, and if you lose, you don't owe me anything." At this point he whips out $20.00. I was anxious, but apprehensive. Regardless, I took him up on the deal. After 40 minutes of playing, starting with $40 in chips, I left the table with over $120.00+. I found this guy playing a game, and I began to give him his share of my winnings, but he stopped me in the middle and said "Just keep the rest." So...for my initial $20 investment, and some very shrewd playing I must say, I walked out with an extra $40+ bucks.

So, 40 + 50 + 30 + 10 = 130. $130.00+ BUCKS!!! Not a bad haul for the first trip out. After I do some more homework, and play a few thousand more hands I will probably bump to a high stakes game, like $10-$20. But I will need to save/win a lot to get to this point. I mean, it will take me about $2000 to get into the game. Has anyone seen rounders? Has anyone seen Matt Damon's character before the opening scene, when he first got started? I just might be living it.

Living it to the hilt

And speaking of "living it," I saw the 'Pursuit of Happyness' on New Year's Eve. DON'T DO THAT!!! Don't see a depressing film on a holiday...it can ruin your day. But more than that, with the exception of the young child in tow, that was a movie about me. Almost every sentence is something that came out of my mouth, at one point or another. Giving plasma for money, trying to hustle day-to-day just to make sure I know where my next meal will come from. Even when the movie had a happy part, it wasn't all that happy.

I am going to leave this post for the moment and write more later.


Lord Louis

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